Letters of Peace and War -- Natasha

[mason]

August 13, 2012 -- Letter 1

Dear Natasha,

I know I'm way late in doing this, and I know there's a damned good chance that you're going to wind up pitching a fit over this, but I really hope that you'll at least take the time to read this letter. It doesn't matter if you don't reply. Just know that the letters are going to keep on coming, regardless. I made a promise to myself that I'd write to you every single day, so long as it was possible. There's some days I won't be able to because it'll be downright impossible for me to pull out a pen and paper. But come hell or high water, I'll do my best. Now, keep in mind that the letters might come in a massive pile up of them, depending on whether or not I can manage to get them out every day. That being said, I've numbered them all so you know what order to read them in.

We arrived out here today... No, I can't tell you where 'out here' is or even what time we arrived. All I can tell you is that I'm here, safe and sound and in one piece. I'm already getting a razzing from Dylan for the fact that I'm writing you but, really, I don't give a shit. I screwed up once and I feel like this is my second chance, even if you're not quite willing to give it yet. I'm a persistent bastard. You know that.

I miss you. I guess I've been missing you for a number of years now. But having seen you and then leaving you all over again really drove it home. I can only imagine how badly you were cursing my name when you realized I was leaving again and, for that, I'm sorry. I wish I had a say in when it was that I shipped out but... I don't. I know, of all the women in the world out there, you're strong enough to live with this. You're strong enough to live with me in your life. You just have to be able to accept that I really do want to be a part of it. And I promise you, I'll never let you forget it.

Keep safe.
Yours ALWAYS,
Mason.

[mason]

August 14, 2012 -- Letter 2

Dear Natasha,

We're gearing up and getting ready to head out sometime soon. Again, I can't tell you when, but you'll know by the letters that I'm safe and sound. So long as they keep coming, everything will be all right and you'll know that everything is all right.

Our CO keeps flashing around ten million pictures that he printed off before he left. His wife's pregnant with twins at the moment and he's pretty desperate to get home before they're born. Not that I can say I blame him in the least. I guess... I don't know... he has me thinking about all the things we could have had by now and where we could have been in life by now if I hadn't screwed it all up.

And yeah... I'm accepting blame for what happened, Natasha. I wasn't there when I should have been there for you and I'm going to wind up regretting that fact for the rest of my life, regardless of whether or not you ever forgive me. I honestly hope you understand how much you still mean to me though and how much I do want to be a part of your life again, if you'll just let me in. I know I don't deserve the second chance, but I'm asking nonetheless. I love you. Always have and always will.

Yours Always,
Mason.

[mason]

August 15, 2012 -- Letter 3

Dear Natasha,

It's been a crazy, hectic day. I met up with a guy I worked with last year on my first tour. He remembered me talking about you one night when we got severely wasted and started talking about stuff back home. He remembered me mentioning your name several hundred times, apparently, and how badly I'd screwed up with you. He'd remembered a lot about the conversation we'd had. It had me thinking about where I went wrong. And why it went so horribly wrong. I feel genuinely terrible for the way that things happened and I know I've said it a million and a half times but... Just... I have to keep trying.

I'd never be worthy of you if I didn't keep trying because I know damned well that you're worth fighting for. That what we had before is well worth fighting for. I'm not going to try and excuse my actions but... When I left, I was eighteen. I was terrified. I was going through training, soaking it all up. And now... years later I realize what I've been missing out on way too little too late. I hate the fact that I was so blind. But I hate the fact that I hurt you as badly as I did even more. You didn't deserve that and I know you deserved a man who was a hell of a lot more than I was at the time.

But now... I've had a little schooling in the lessons of life. They say that SEALs grow up fast when they're recruited on and their right as hell. I did a lot of growing up in the last few years, ángel perfecto. And now I'm just waiting for the chance to prove it to you. Tú eres mi mundo y yo haría cualquier cosa para hacerte ver eso otra vez -- You are my world and I would do anything to make you see that again.

Yours Always,
Mason

[natasha]

dear mason,

to say that i read your letters would be a complete lie because i didn't. to say that i was shocked would be the truth because i knew that a letter meant you left again...without telling me. i thought maybe i was okay with being a friend with you, maybe i could get past the hurt that i felt but you fucking left again. i'm glad you are safe, i'm glad that you have friends there and that you are remincising but these need to stop mason. this needs to stop--be safe, be good, have..fun i guess but knock it off with the letters, it's too much.

natasha

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[mason]

Letter 4

Dear Natasha,

Sorry I didn't write yesterday. Didn't have the chance to sit down and manage to get a few words off, so I'll try and make it up to you today. I got your letter back. Thought you said you didn't read my letters. I think the last portion of it proved that you did, otherwise you wouldn't have known about me having friends there that I'm reminiscing with.

Your words cut. I'm not going to lie about that in the least, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to give up and I'm sure as hell not going to give up writing. Even if you wind up throwing every last one of these in the garbage or burning them, at least you'll know that I still care. That you still mean the world to me. And maybe a part of this is helping me to deal with the fact that I am away. Maybe that's selfish of me in some respect but... I can't bring myself to regret it in the least.

I left without telling you because I didn't know how the hell to contact you, short of writing this. And I had to pull a hell of a lot of strings to get your mailing address, believe me. I left without telling you because you didn't make yourself available for me to tell you and believe me when I say that I was having a boatload of regrets when I boarded a plane out of the country, knowing damned well that I'd left you behind yet again. It'll take time, but I know you'll come around.

In the mean time, I'll just remind you of how much I love and miss you every day.

Yours Always,
Mason.

[mason]

Letter 5

Dear Natasha,

Dylan's a right and proper prick. He's been harassing me constantly for writing you daily, but I just tell him to go shove it. He doesn't get it and I understand that, but like I told him, I'm waiting for the day that he falls in love. It'll hit him hard and it'll hit him fast and I'll be laughing my ass off at him for once.

As much as he's my best friend, what he says or thinks about this doesn't matter in the least to me. I know what I want and I know where my heart is. It's back home there with you and it always has been. You've always kept a piece of it and I doubt you ever really realized it. These past few years have felt, more or less, like I'm just going through the motions but not really living. I eat, I sleep and yeah... I'm not saying I've exactly been celibate, but I sincerely doubt that you've been either. But I was never truly alive.

Not the way that I was with you. Not the way that I still am with you, even when you're yelling at me and cursing my very existence.

Yours Always,
Mason.

[mason]

Letter 6

Dear Natasha,

It's raining here today. I can't be outside for more than two minutes without being soaked through and through. So if the paper's a little screwed up when you get it, or the ink ran, you know why. Honestly, it reminds me of that time back in high school when we got caught out in that torrential downpour while we were out in the bleachers at school. I gave you the very shirt off of my back because you were wearing a white t-shirt and I was a jealous little prick. You said you were fine. But I wasn't fine.

I'm still not fine. Thinking about all the time I've been away from you and the people you must have met... The men you must have met. I'm not a dumbass. You're stunningly beautiful and I know that there are a hell of a lot of men out there that would want to take advantage of that. Shit... I need to stop on this train of thought. I really do.

My sister said she wants to catch up with you again if you have the chance sometime to call her. Her number hasn't changed even after all these years. She says she misses hearing from you. Blows me away that my sister still thinks so highly of you. Mind you... it wouldn't surprise me if she thinks I'm a complete and utter moron for letting you go. I sure as hell think I'm a complete and utter moron.

Shit. It's about to pour again. I better wrap this up.

Love you,
Mason.

[natasha]

dear mason,

there is a reason that you never got my contact information and how you got this address is something that i don't even want to know. glad to hear that dylan is picking on you for this, kind of a third grade ish, no? eh. love sucks, hopefully it never happens to him. my words were meant to cut by the way, they were supposed to hurt and ..fine, i read the third letter and now i've read letter one and two. they are sweet, you are still quite a charmer but i need more than charm mason. yes your last letter was a bit..drenched but i could still read the writing. yea..i remember that, i was wearing white with a black bra, and you were probably a hero to so many guys that day....don't think about that shit because it will drive you crazy. wait until you found out what i do for a living now...cause you know bills and debt piled up. but i don't doubt that you have had girls and i'm..okay with that, i'm not thrilled but it's your life mason and you can do what you want. she does, i talked to her three days ago, mentioned that you were okay and she is not surprised to hear that you are writing. but...mason, it needs to stop. you need to focus on whatever mission you are on and i need to focus on my life and how to pay my next bill. however, your sister mentioned how it's all guys so..i guess i'll give you a little something attached to this letter...

i like hearing from you actually...to know that you are okay, so here's your incentive...every four letters, i lose a little more clothes.


click

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natasha

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[mason]

Letter 7

Dear Natasha,

I know there's a reason I never got it, but it doesn't matter now. The point is more than just a little moot so, I'm not going to bother letting you get into an argument with me over it. The fact is, I'm not going to stop writing. I told you that once already and I'll say it again and again. I'm doing this because I love you. I'm doing this because it keeps me sane. I'm doing it because it keeps me focused and reminds me of everything in life I have to look forward to. And regardless of how much you're slapping me down now, I do look forward to your replies. Even if you're telling me that I'm living a pipe dream.

What do you do for a living now, Natasha? I want to know. I want to know as much as I can about the woman you've become. I'm just pissed that I have to do it in a letter rather than face to face with you. I should be face to face with you. I wish I had the chance to watch your expressions as I tell you everything I've told you so far already. Even if the look is of pure rage and fury. It'd be worth while. You're worth while.

Maria's not surprised because she knows me well. She knows how much it's killed me knowing that you were out there somewhere and that you wanted nothing to do with me. But, Tasha... Let me help you, please. No strings attached. No obligations. Just one friend helping another in a time of need. Anything you need, let me know and I'll do whatever I can to help you out. I swear it. And believe me, my word is a hell of a lot more valuable these days than it was in the past.

Also... Sweet Jesus woman, I think you might be trying to kill me. Don't be surprised if I write two or three times a day now just to get my prize at the end of the fourth. You brought this on yourself. You can't tell me to stop writing and then entice me to keep writing all in the same letter. I know what you really want and I'll make sure I give it to you.

Always Yours,
Mason

[natasha]

dear mason,

stop saying that you love me mason, i get it, i heard it, i've read it but it doesn't change the fact that i can't trust you and love and trust kind of come hand in hand--you taught me that by the way. so when trust fades, what happens to the love? i can tell you right now, it fades too. yes i care about you more than you can imagine and i worry about you constantly because you are on some dangerous mission but mason....it's a pipedream. you're insane, you're losing your mind and getting jungle fever i think because i'm too damaged, i'm too hurt, i'm just a fuck up mason. me?...you don't want to know my job because you will return and break my phone...i'm just not what i was, not the girl you want mason, not the girl that you even need. we both need to move on from the past and thinking that it doesn't affect the future because it does, fuck, it affects the present. yea well, maria knows me too well as well and i hate that about her...too good at reading people. woah i never gave you the rules of the game, they must be at least 50 words, and has to contain a random sentence in each one. deal? then you get your prize which i'm sure dylan...i think that's his name..wouldn't mind either. ;]


how can you know what i want when even i don't know what i need...you don't know me that well mason.

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natasha

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[mason]

Letter 8

Natasha,

I'm not going to stop telling you I love you, even if you don't think it changes anything. I think it changes everything. A woman as beautiful as you are deserves to hear it every day from someone. Even if that someone happens to be someone she pretends to hate as much as she possibly can. But I know the truth. You don't hate me. If you did, you wouldn't bother writing me back. The letters I've been sending you would go unread and be reduced to ash. I know some part of you cares and that part of you is the part that keeps me hoping. You don't feel like you can trust me yet, but I'm going to prove to you, one way or another, that you can.

You're not too damaged. Damaged yes, but not too damaged. I'm not willing to believe that anyone in the world could ever be that far gone, Nat. I love you too much to ever give up hope where you're concerned. Regardless of how damaged you think you are, there'll always be someone in the world unwilling to give up on you. Don't you ever let me hear you say you're a fuck up again. You're not. The world's dealt you a shitty hand of cards. I dealt you a shitty hand of cards and you've been doing the best you can. Cut yourself some slack, Tasha. You more than deserve it.

You don't get to tell me that you're not the girl I want or need in my life. I get to decide that for myself and I've sure as hell already decided. That's all I want or need to know at this point. I'm not moving on because I can't move on. I'll never be able to move on. Ever.

At least fifty words. I can do that. Containing a random sentence in it? Do you give me the sentence or do I make one up... Because I can do this shit all day. Like... Baboobs eat bananas in Bankok. See? I can do it and make it legit. And Dylan's eyes will never see those god damned pictures. For my eyes only. No one elses'. Yeah. I'm still just as much of a possessive prick as always. But I think some part of you likes knowing just how wild you drive me.

I know you a hell of a lot better than you think. And you only deny me this hard when you know I'm right.

Love you Always,
Mason

[natasha]

dear mason,

i hear it...i hear it from your sister, i hear it from...people, it's not that i'm not loved and i know i am but your love is different. your love will mean more to me than i wish or care to think about at the moment and it hurts mason. i don't hate you, i could never actually hate you but i can say i do and it makes me feel better, it makes me feel like for once, i have control over something happening in my life. two of them but that was not my doing, that was someone else...and i decked them for it. anyway, how do you plan to prove that when you aren't even here? oh so damaged, more than you know. what to know what i do for a living? i use my voice to turn guys on, for them to get off and feel like they are worth something, i moonlight as a phone sex operator because i can't get past my pride to sell myself on the street or i would. my mother's death and her treatments have put me so far into debt that i can't even see the surface right now but no, i will not accept help from anyone because this is my responsibility but you already knew that i would say that.

you are insane then, you are insane to hold onto hope mason because...that shit died a long time ago for me. there is no such thing as a happy ending, and i've accepted that. ...yes fifty words, and...really, bankok? is that where you are maybe?...no, you are more subtle than that. fuck i wish i knew where you were..and, yes i can see that you are still just as possessive as ever. i do enjoy driving you crazy, that much hasn't changed because no matter how many guys get off to my dirty talk on the phone...you are still my favorite to drive wild.

you're wrong.

until next time,

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natasha

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[mason]

Letter 9

Dear Natasha,

Yeah, Tasha... My love is very different and I know you know it's not like any other love you've ever experienced before. It hurts right now because you won't open yourself up to it. It hurts right now because you refuse to believe in what it is that I'm offering to you. And I know well enough that I have no one to blame for that but myself. I know what I did to you. I know I hurt you. I know that you hold it against me and I do understand that. I don't blame you for it either. But I can't walk away. I won't walk away.

You should hate me. You really should hate me. After everything that I've done to you, you really should. But I'm not going to complain in the least. I'll hold on to whatever we have going for us for as long as I can. I'll be patient and help let it grow. I'll do everything I can to help it grow. I intend to prove it through what I'm doing right now. I'm writing you every day. Telling you exactly how I feel and sharing everything. Every thought and every emotion. And I know, when I get back there, you'll know me far better than you do now. You'll know why it is that I do what I do and why it is that I love you so much. You'll know everything there is to know.

You said I don't know a damned thing about you. But you're right. I did know that your pride would get in the way. But it won't stop me from offering. And yeah... Knowing what you do for a living does make me want to break your phone but... I wasn't there for you. I don't have the right to be pissed off. It doesn't mean that I'm not, but I don't have the right, which means I can't do a damned thing about it except... brood.

Maybe I am insane for holding hope, but when has that stopped me in the past? How many times have I been told in life that I'd never amount to anything. That I didn't have a hope in hell of surviving? And how many times have I overcome those ridiculous odds and pulled through? I became a SEAL, damnit. But I know damned well that that fight will be nothing when compared to what it'll take to win you back. But I'll do it. Regardless of how much time or effort it takes. I will do it because I can't live happily without you in my life... Even if it all just is through you telling me that I'm delusional. I need you.

I wish I could tell you exactly where I am. Just know... it's somewhere where I don't need a parka, that's for damned sure. That's about all I can give you, really. Don't tell me there's no happy ending for you. It's just that, at the moment, you don't want there to be a happy ending because you're too caught up in trying to be bitter. But I think... a part of you is already softening towards me.

And you're damn right you drive me, crazy woman. Now I'm going to go to bed with thoughts of you and that damned sexy voice in my ear driving me crazy.

You only think I'm wrong.

Love Always,
Mason

P.S. Water swirls backwards in the toilet in Australia.

[natasha]

dear mason,

you are working hard for your keep there, quite a letter...and yes i should hate you, i want to hate you but i can't hate you and though i don't trust you, love and hate are not exactly opposites and be thankful that i'm not indifferent to you because you would be waiting probably five lifetimes for me to even say a word to you. and yes you are writing everyday, the mailman looks at me strange as i wait for your letters to arrive as i don't have a mail slot ...or my dog technically forced me to take it out. yea, i got a dog while you were away but it's cute so whatever besides my mom never wanted one but i mean...doesn't really matter now. yes, well this is an expensive phone so you better not break it. but...you could call the line sometime if you get a chance at any point, wouldn't mind hearing your voice since i real your letters in my head with your voice playing it back, kind of like what they do in cheesy romantic comedy's or those dark depressing historical movies. you are a seal, you worked hard to get there and i know you made something of yourself and i'm proud of you mason, i really am. but i hate your job, and i can willingly admit to that one. i hate that it takes you away for months at a time and i hate that it stops you from being with me...but it does. like i said, i can't hate you no matter how much i want to. hmm..not even a clue? i'm a history major...or i was at least and i may be able to figure it out piece by piece. haha knew it, and well imagine it saying dirty things to you like i used to, though i doubt you will be sleeping much with that thought.


555-2931. fyi.

yours,

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natasha

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[mason]

Letter 10

Dearest Natasha,

I do what I have to do and carry on. Simple as that.

I don't deserve your trust. Not yet at least. But someday I will because I'm going to work just as hard as I do at my job to get you back. If not, even harder. So you're actually, legitimately, waiting for my letters are your door, huh? That's good to know. Makes me feel like I'm actually doing a decent job of trying to woo you here. I know, I know. You're going to tell me not to get ahead of myself or full of myself for that matter. But a man has to have hope where you're concerned. I'm not easily discouraged, in case you haven't realized.

Call the line sometime, huh? Drumming up business from the man who wants you in the worst way possible, huh? Not fair. But I'll probably wind up calling it anyhow. In fact, I'm willing to bet that the first time we're on base somewhere or in a major city, I'll find a way to call it. Does that make me pathetic or just horny? I'm not even sure at this point. But at least I know exactly what you look like and exactly what to imagine while I'm talking to you. But, hermoso ángel, I have to wonder if I can make you want me just as badly as I want you on the phone.

I'll take that up as a challenge.

Is that what it would take, Natasha? Leaving the teams? Would that finally make you happy and turn things around? Something tells me that, regardless of how much you blame my job, it would never just be that easy. You wouldn't forgive or forget that easily. But understand... if we ever come to a point in our lives where you can forgive me and there's a hope that the two of us can move on... I'll quit. I'll leave the teams and come back home. I'll join a SWAT team or something where I can still have my fun but be near you all the time. If that's what you want, you need to think long and hard on it and think about everything that I'm willing to give up for you. Because if you're not willing to throw in for me... it won't work and it won't happen.

Thanks for the number. I swear, I'll call you as soon as I possibly can.

You signed your letter as mine. Just pointing it out.

Always Yours,
Mason

P.S. 10 Million people visit Egypt a year.