drowning in the tears of yesterday - Julian

[EÓIN MCLOUGHLIN]

He was sitting in the front row at the funeral, the spot he’d been on the day itself but it wasn’t the same, it wasn’t how he remembered it being. There were friends of his parents around him and the few family members who had come from Ireland, but next to him was Julian and in his arms was a baby that squirmed and made soft noises tough the man was carefully rocking the baby trying to sooth the squirming bundle. His mind tried telling him that it was their baby Julian was holding, which meant the baby Ruth hadn’t yet given birth to so that didn’t add up. Looking anywhere but at the coffins ahead of him he tried to pick out the other things that were wrong with this, the people not as clear as if he were really looking at them and some random guy he didn’t even remember existing being there. On the bright side his ex wasn’t there this time, this was already a nightmare without needing to turn it into a night-terror or something.

Hearing someone clearing their voice ahead of him he turned his head without thinking and his eyes widened at seeing his parents. They were sitting up in their coffins, looking right at him with that stern “you’re in trouble now” expression on both faces. Taking a shaky breath he reached to pinch himself, wanting to wake up right now. He couldn’t take whatever would follow that look. He just knew he couldn’t. When his father was the first to speak he closed his eyes the sound of his dad’s voice pulling at something inside of him just as much as the words made him want to curl up and die.

“It’s your fault Eóin. We would never have been out that night if it weren’t for you wanting to sneak your boyfriend into the house. We’d be alive now and we’d get to meet our grandchild, we’d get to see you with a boy who deserves you. Why did you do that? Why did you send us out?” his father asked and Lou shook his head eyes opening with tears slipping past now that the lids weren’t holding them back anymore. ”I didn’t know…couldn’t have known that would happen…I didn’t know. I just thought you two wanted…you wanted to see that show and I wanted to be able to see him so we’d both be happy.” he answered his voice raspy with the sobs being held back. ”You wanted to have sex in the house with that boyfriend when you knew it was against the rules so you sent us out. You knew it was against the rules, you’re the reason we went out because we thought you were doing something nice for us. But you were just doing it for you. That’s why we’re dead. Because you were selfish we were hit by that drunk driver. It’s your own fault.” his mother said her tone accusing and not anything she’d ever actually use toward him but it killing him slowly to ear it just the same. “It’s your fault we were out. We don’t get to see you fall in love with a good man or become a father all because you wanted to have sex. Why did you do that?” his mom asked and a sob ripped from his chest waking him up…

------

Sitting up in the bed breathing hard and trying not to panic like he’d been doing in the dream he gasped for breath around the sobs still slipping from his lips. They were right, they would never actually say those words to him he didn’t think but they had in his mind because it was true and he knew it. Covering his face with his hands he pulled his legs up wishing he was strong enough to get out of the bed where he wouldn’t wake Julian and trying to keep himself as quiet as possible by covering his mouth even though he couldn’t breath already. He tried to calm down but it just kept coming his heart falling to pieces over their loss all over again only this time he was going to drown in it.

one :: two :: three :: four :: MEL/JULIAN :: DONE

[julian]

It had been one hell of a long night. He'd called ahead to Lou and told him that he wouldn't be in until later that evening. There'd been a dinner party that the Mayor had hosted at his home and it had been mandatory that Julian show up for a few hours. But that had turned into him working and fussing over every last detail the mayor dropped on his plate. But Julian had known that it would be exactly like that right from the get go. He'd ducked out as soon as he possibly could without being rude to his uncle and had made his way back home to his boyfriend. But as Julian had suggested, Lou was curled up in bed. He had to smile to himself as he pulled his tie off and unbuttoned the white shirt he was wearing, tossing them all into a pile to be cleaned.

Julian could tell the moment that he climbed into bed that night that it wasn't a fitful sleep that his boyfriend had fallen into. Not in the least. He seemed troubled over something and Julian wasn't even sure how he could begin to ease the situation a little. Something felt off, but there wasn't much that Julian could do about it for the time being. So with a feeling of unease sitting in the pit of his stomach, he closed his eyes and slid his shoulder underneath Lou, hoping that maybe his presence in bed would help him to some extent. He knew he sure as hell felt a whole hell of a lot better when Lou was beside him. Strange how he had lived so many years on his own and hadn't thought that anything as simple as falling asleep beside someone he cared about could make him become almost codependent of it.

But a short while later, after only having barely started to fall asleep, Julian was jolted wide awake when Lou sat bolt upright in bed. Julian lay there a moment, watching him. But at the sound of the sobs escaping his boyfriend's lips, he immediately sat up with him and wrapped his arms around him, pulling the other man back into his chest as he held him. "Hey... Hey... It's okay, Baby." He murmured, trying to calm him to some extent so that he could figure out what it was that was wrong. Julian couldn't help but feel as if his own heart was breaking at the sounds that Lou was making at the moment and that gave him a pretty good indication as to what it was that he had been dreaming about.

There was one sore spot in Lou's life that they hadn't touched on as much as others and Julian had more than respected Lou enough to stay clear of the topic until he was well and ready to talk about it. Julian still wasn't sure if he was ready to talk about it, so for the moment, he held him quietly. He pressed a kiss to the back of Lou's shoulder. "It's okay. You're not alone." He whispered. And if Julian had anything to say about it, he'd never be alone again.

[EÓIN MCLOUGHLIN]

Lou hadn’t felt Julian climbing into bed with him, his mind trapped in the nightmare but awake he remembered that Julian hadn’t been there when he went to sleep and was glad he’d made it safely home. Sleeping beside Julian he normally had the most peaceful sleep he’d had since before his parents died. Just knowing he was there and the comfort of being beside someone he cared so much about and that he knew cared about him was amazing. Right now though he just wanted to curl up in Julian’s arms and forget that nightmare he knew that he’d be shaken up by it for weeks to come because that was the worst. He’d dreamed of the funeral before, woken up in tears but they’d never been there speaking to him before, he’d never had his life brought into it before like with Julian and the baby being there. It shook him up something horrible and he would be shaking for a long time.

Feeling Julian’s arms slip around him he let himself be pulled back against the warmth and comfort that came from the man he loved. Listening to his voice he wanted so badly to believe him and have everything actually be okay. Instead he shook his head a little and took a shaky breath shifting to be closer to him wanting to be as close as possible. ”It’s not okay Julian…It’s not.” he said his voice breaking and he knew calming down right now was a lost cause. He was too raw and it all hurt so bad, it ripped at his heart to be accused like that by his parents. He knew it was just in his head, knew that it wasn’t what they’d say to him but that also made it worse because it was his own guilt talking. It was his own heart and feelings about what had happened.

Becoming more aware of things now as his mind cleared the last of the sleep and nightmare though he remembered it all he could tell he was shaking. His heart was racing and he couldn’t catch a breath or stop the sounds he was making. He tried, closing his eyes and focusing on Julian he tried hard to just calm down and relax at least a little. He was there in Julian’s arms, he was safe and as Julian said he wasn’t alone. He was just guilty and falling apart over something that should have hit him a lot sooner than this. ”It’s my fault…They’re dead because of me…because I was selfish and…and it’s my fault they died.” he managed, his voice cracking and breaking as he spoke one of his hands grabbing onto one of Julian’s and holding tight as the fingers of his other hand dug into his own leg trying to use pain as a distraction to calm himself down, something to snap him out of this and bring him back to reality.

one :: two :: three :: four :: MEL/JULIAN :: DONE

[julian]

Julian wanted nothing more than to be able to take away the pain that his boyfriend was feeling at the moment, but he knew that there wasn't any kind of magical button to press to make what was bothering his boyfriend any better. He knew damned well that he'd be upset if anything ever happened to his parents. Even though they didn't have the best of relationships with one another, they were his flesh and blood. They were his family and that definitely counted for something. Julian had never been the type of person who could throw anyone under a bus quite like that. So he couldn't even begin to imagine how devastating it had been for Lou to lose two parents whom he loved very much and whom loved him right back on the same scale. It had to be heart breaking. That was certainly what it felt like as Lou fell apart in his arms.

But Julian remained silent for a moment, wondering if Lou would wind up elaborating any. He knew the basics of how Lou had lost his parents, but he didn't know all of the small details. He knew well enough that Lou blamed himself in some way for what had happened, but he didn't know why. If it had have been Julian in his position, he would have been raging pissed at the drunk driver that had killed his parents. Not himself. But then, he knew Lou a little too well. He knew well enough that Lou wasn't the type to get angry at other people. He'd sooner tear away at himself from the inside out and find fault with himself before he pointed the finger at someone else, regardless of how much they deserved the finger being pointed at them.

And the moment that Lou spoke up again, he knew damned well that he'd been right in that assumption. 'Woah... Woah..." He said, rubbing a soothing circle on Lou's back even as the other man clung to him like his life depended on it. "You want to explain that one to me, Lou? You want to go ahead and explain to me how it's your fault that some bastard was in his car piss drunk out of his mind, driving home?" He asked him. "How could you possibly feel responsible for the actions of a person you don't even know?" He shook his head and sighed. "You blow me away, sometimes." He admitted. "You're so unwilling to find fault or flaw with someone else that you immediately think it's your fault, Lou. Your mind just can't grasp the concept that it wasn't your fault. Your mind can't grasp the concept that shit like this happens when stupid people make terrible decisions in life. The rest of the world suffers for it." His voice turned gentle then. "And baby, you've been suffering alone for so damned long. It's got to stop..." Julian would be there for him every step of the way, but he needed Lou to open up to him just a little bit in regards to this. He wasn't a shrink or a counselor by any means of the words, but he was hoping he'd be able to help the man that he loved in some way, shape or form. It killed him seeing him in this much pain.

[EÓIN MCLOUGHLIN]

Lou wished he had dealt with this before, wished he knew it wouldn’t haunt him forever but he knew that a part of it always would and that he couldn’t go back in time to make himself deal. He wished he would at least develop enough control over himself to calm down though. He didn’t mean to become a crying mess over a nightmare he knew was all in his own head. He needed to calm down and tuck everything back into the neat little boxes it had been in before the nightmare set it free to run through his brain as it pleased. Bottling up his negative emotions wasn’t healthy, he’d been told that enough times in his life for it to sink in and stick but he’d also never followed the advice that he should let them out more often either. The advice stuck and the practice just didn’t click into place for him so he knew what he should be doing but couldn’t do it. He would need to work on that eventually but right now knowing he needed to fix it didn’t do him any good because it was too late at the moment. Mid freak-out wasn’t the time to try to learn to manage your emotions like a normal person.

He was glad to be in Julian’s arms, comfortable there and safe. It helped relax him a little to know he was not alone, and that he was with someone he cared about. He lost his parents but he didn’t lose all chance of being happy and with people he loved. He had Julian and his friends, they might not be his parents but they were his family and he wouldn’t trade them for anything. He just needed to deal with what had happened and move on so he could be as normal as he ever got again. He’d gone the wrong direction after his parents deaths, went from loving them to being in a really bad situation with someone he thought he loved. It hadn’t been healthy and now that he was away from it and with someone who actually cared about him and didn’t just use him and break him down? He could see how bad it truly was. He’d known, what’s why he’d gotten out but he hadn’t realized how really bad it was till he found something a billion times better. How far he’d slipped till he started actually feeling happy again instead of just playing happy and letting himself believe his own act.

The largest chunk of the pain came from the loss and the fact that he’d never actually dealt with it properly. It seemed he wasn’t going to just be able to just push it back this time and pretend it didn’t exist. Still breathing hard and unable to stop the soft sobs he could feel a little like he was getting more air right now though he still couldn’t calm his racing heart or stop crying. Closing his eyes feeling Julian’s touch as he rubbed his back he had expected the first question asked. What he didn’t expect was what followed that question, the way Julian was talking to him now. Shaking his head he closed his eyes and pressed his hands to his face as if he could hide that way. ”You don’t understand. You think I’m just some idiot who blames the problems of the world on himself but that’s not it Julian. I know that driver made his choice and that he is responsible for his own stupid actions but my parents…they went out to the show because I wanted to have my boyfriend at the time come over so we could fuck Julian. I wanted them out of the house out of my hair and away so that I could sneak him in just to get laid. I bought the tickets for them as a surprise and planned it all out. They would never have gone out if I hadn’t been selfish and stupid and that is how it’s my fault.” he said managing to get it all out at once before curling further in on himself as Julian’s voice turned gentle. Rubbing his hands over his face he took a shaky breath and shook his head. ”It hurts when I think about it Julian, it hurts so much to know that they’re gone and I will never see them again. It hurts to think the last thing I said was “You should get going because you don’t want to be late” while I was rushing them out the door so I could sneak him in. I was so…stupid and they were the ones who got hurt because of it.” he finished and let his hands drop so he could look at Julian, still shaking a little and clearly still upset though calming down now that he’s said the words, told someone what he felt/knew to be true.

”Sorry…I’m sorry…I just don’t handle this well and in my nightmare they were…they knew why I’d bought the tickets and they knew…that it was my fault.” he added and leaned into Julian again hoping he wouldn’t push him away, but that tiny voice in his head expecting it now that he knew exactly how Lou was guilty of killing his parents.

one :: two :: three :: four :: MEL/JULIAN :: DONE

[julian]

Julian's expression turned harsher when Lou said that he thought he was just some kind of idiot who blamed the problems of the world on himself. "You know damned well that I don't think you're an idiot, Lou. And regardless of whether or not I'm wrong in this instance, you do have an unprecedented habit of doing just that." He said simply enough. "You were a teenager, Lou. A teenager. Think about that and what it entails for a second, would you? How the hell were you supposed to know that it was going to happen, Baby?" He asked him. "If you're going to blame yourself for the fact that they had gone out... Hell, you might as well blame the car they were killed in for ever having been made in the first place because if it hadn't, they wouldn't have been killed in it. The logic is the same."

He sighed. He could understand why it was so hard for him, but Lou needed to stop blaming himself for what had happened. He was under the impression that this was his fault because he had been thinking like a normal teenager. He wanted the freedom to spend time with his boyfriend alone. Most teenagers want the freedom to spend time alone with their significant other. It's the way the adolescent mind works. It broke Julian's heart knowing that Lou had been living like this and with this guilt for so long. He wished he knew the right words to say to make it better, but for once, Julian was at a loss.

Julian just held Lou as he let it out. Finally, everything that had been weighing down on him was coming out and Julian wanted to cry for him. He genuinely did. All of the guilt he was living with was a hell of a lot to have bore for as long as he had so far. He wasn't sure if this was the beginning of letting that pain go for Lou, but he'd help him if he could. However long it took, Julian would help him. And now that he had the full story on the issue, he was a little better equipped to help deal with it at the end of the day. "I can't tell you that the pain is just magically going to go away, Lou. It'll probably be there for a hell of a long time. But, Baby, you have to let go of the guilt." He said gently. "Bad things happen to good people. I don't doubt that your parents were incredible people in order to have made their son love them so incredibly much." He said quietly.

"Who's to say, if they hadn't have gone out that night on your behalf, that it wouldn't have happened another night, Lou? Anything can happen at any given moment in time. You're living in the past with a guilt that's preventing you from really embracing life, Sweetie." He said, coaxing him along. "I know your parents wouldn't have wanted you to live with that extra dose of pain weighing you down. Not when the message that you should have taken away from this is as potent and powerful as it is." He placed a finger under Lou's chin and tilted the other man's face up so that he was looking in his eyes. "Live, Lou. Because you never know when it's all going to be taken away from you. Laugh and love, just like your parents did with you. You are so damned lucky to have had the years that you did with them, growing up in a loving and accepting family. I've never had that. Honor their memory by remembering the happy moments, not by putting words in their mouths that you know, deep down inside, they never would have said and never would have accused you of." He kissed him then.

"You're a good man, Lou. You may not always see it, but I do."

[EÓIN MCLOUGHLIN]

Lou let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand over his face as Julian’s expression changed, his words harsh-ish but honest and shook his head, ”That’s…that’s not what I meant to say…I’m sorry. I don’t mean to do this shit or be that guy…Fuck.” he said wishing he had some way of physically kicking himself without having to move away from Julian. Not for the first time he found himself wondering what the hell Julian saw in him and why he bothered. Of course he never put those thoughts into words to avoid somehow making the man angry because that just seemed like one of those things that would piss Julian off. Listening to him speak about how he’d been a teenager and what that meant or how he couldn’t have known what would happen. He knew Julian was right but the guilt at being the reason his parents went out wasn’t something he could just drop like a hat, it was a thought that had been haunting him since the police had shown up at the house to say his parents were dead. ”The car didn’t all but push them out the door eager for them to be gone…The car didn’t spend the time they were getting ready wishing they were just gone already…so no on the same logic. Last thought I gave to my parents that night was I hoped there was traffic so they’d call and say they’d be home later than planned because I wanted them away longer…” he said and his voice broke as he finished speaking, more tears slipping down his pale cheeks.

He had wished they’d be gone longer he’d wished them to just not be there so he could spend more time with his boyfriend…”I got my wish…They were gone just…be careful what you wish for right? I got my wish but in the cruelest way possible.” he said with a humorless laugh that sounded more like sobs. He’d wished every day since that he could take it back, that he could wish for his parents back and get that one instead of the first. He knew that it wasn’t his wish that had actually led to them dying but the timing, his own thoughts before finding out and the way it all lined up it seemed that way and coincidence was large in this case. He couldn’t believe he’d ever wish something so horrible at all since he had loved his parents, he’d had a good relationship with them and respected them. He never would have wished them away normally but that night…well it was a big mistake just one after another and the end result had been him buried under the guilt and his parents not being there with him anymore.

Telling Julian about this, about his guilt and about the pain, letting him see the side of him he carefully hid because he didn’t like people seeing the hurt in him was something Lou knew it was okay to do. Julian loved him and he wouldn’t see him as being whiney or pathetic, Julian was too good for him but he would be forever selfish enough to keep him close if he could. Hearing Julian speak of letting the guilt go and how his parents were incredible people and how much he loved them he closed his eyes and nodded. ”They really were amazing people…and I miss them so much…I wish I’d have just…just followed the rules and then maybe they’d still be here, they’d be able to meet you and know how amazing you are because they’d love you. They’d get to be grandparents and my mom could claim “spoiling rights” like she said she would do some day or my dad could help make the kid into a huge footb..soccer fan.” he said correcting the football to soccer since football here was something entirely different than football where his dad came from. ”I could tell them how much I love them and how they were amazing parents…” he finished and took a keep shaky breath. He could wish forever but that wouldn’t change the fact that they were gone.

Julian’s voice calmed and soothed him, the man telling him things he should know but needed to hear before he could understand at all. It didn’t fix everything to hear that he was carrying guilt he shouldn’t, or that his parents wouldn’t have wanted him feeling this way but it made him face those facts that he knew but had so far ignored. No he hadn’t been the real reason his parents died but he would never forgive himself for sending them out that night or wishing they’d stay out longer…but maybe someday he wouldn’t beat himself up over it so badly. Letting Julian tilt his head he looked up at him with tears still slowly slipping down his cheeks as he listened, his heart warming a little from the freeze the nightmare had wrapped it in. ”I can’t just forget…I can’t just pretend I didn’t have some part in the night that took them from me…but I can try to do what you said, remember the good times and remember that they wouldn’t want me blaming myself.” he said softly and returned the kiss given to him wondering how in the world he’d gotten lucky enough to have Julian in his life. ”I love you…It scares me how much sometimes but I won’t ever stop or let myself run from it.” he said softly feeling the words needed to be said so Julian would know and would have his promise since he knew that Julian knew his secrets and knew how he ran from the things that scared him emotionally. He didn’t want Julian to ever worry about that because he wouldn’t ever risk losing what they have.

one :: two :: three :: four :: MEL/JULIAN :: DONE

[julian]

Julian had to sigh as well. He hated the fact that every time Julian scolded him for talking down about himself, it seemed to send Lou on another spree in which he wound up talking down about himself. It was frustrating to say the least, but he knew well enough that, with time, it would all change. Julian just had to be patient and show Lou that he wasn't going anywhere. That he was there for his boyfriend come whatever may. "You're not that guy..." He said a little more softly. "You're just dealing with something that no one should ever have to deal with, Lou. Finally, you're starting to deal with it." He encouraged him gently. And it really was about time. Julian understood the way that Lou thought on some level and he knew why he was under the impression that this was his fault. Julian just wasn't sure how to make him see that it wasn't. Maybe that would come with time too, but he sincerely doubted that he'd be able to clear his conscience of all guilt. "You had no way of knowing, Lou." He murmured again.

Julian held Lou as he continued talking, hoping that getting this all out in the open and having him finally share it all with someone would go a long way towards helping him at the very least. His boyfriend needed help in letting go of the pain, but he knew that it would always be there. He just hoped, at the very least, he could help ease it to more of a dull throbbing than the searing pain that he knew Lou constantly lived with the moment that he thought about his parents. But that shouldn't have been the case. He deserved to remember the happy moments. He deserved to remember his parents as they had been smiling at him. Laughing with him. Things that Julian had never known and likely never would know. He needed to hold on to those memories.

He smiled at everything that Lou said about his parents. Julian was truly sorry for their loss as well from the way that Lou spoke of them. They sounded like truly terrific people and the fact wasn't lost on Jules in the least. They had, after all, raised the man that Julian considered to be the most incredible in the world. "They know how much you love them, Lou. Even in whatever afterlife they're in, they know. You wouldn't miss them as much as you do or be beating yourself up over this as much as you are if you didn't love them. But. Baby... everyone deserves to live a happy life. And you're not happy living like this. You might pretend you are, but there's always that sadness lingering there behind your eyes." He commented. But Julian would be there for him no matter what.

"Don't forget. I'd never ask you to forget." He said with a shake of his head. "But you need to start remembering them the way that they would have wanted you to remember them. Think of the happy moments that you had. Think of the smiles you shared, not the heartbreak you felt at losing them." He smiled when he relented and said that he would try and remember the positive. He didn't expect Lou to change over night. Not in the least, but he knew that his boyfriend would make a conscious effort towards helping himself in this respect and Julian was glad for it. He smiled a bit about what Lou said about loving him so much that it scared him. "Likewise, Baby. Likewise. Never forget that I'm here for you, through thick and thin. Whatever you need. I'm here." He said, pressing a kiss to Lou's cheek.

[EÓIN MCLOUGHLIN]

Lou knew Julian didn't like hearing him talk down about himself and it wasn't really what he was trying to do in truth. He most often didn't even realize he was doing it until it was pointed out to him, but once it was and he tried to think of a way to take it back or find something he'd said wrong he normally couldn't see what was being objected to. It was one of those things where he believed the bad stuff he said too often and saw the good too little. He was trying to be more careful with what he said, both because he knew Julian didn't like it but also because he was maybe starting to believe a little that he could be happy and not have to be guilty for it...that maybe he could deserve being as happy as Julian made him. He forgot sometimes but he was getting better at remembering when not upset like this. He closed his eyes as Julian said he wasn’t that guy, making another mental note to stop doing that, stop putting himself down around Julian because he knew his boyfriend didn’t like it. ”Sorry…” he mumbled softly and took a breath to try calming down further. He knew he needed to calm down now, he was awake and the nightmare behind him. He had Julian and he couldn’t change the past but telling his boyfriend about it was surprisingly helpful. He hadn’t thought talking about it would make him feel like he for once wasn’t drowning under the weight of it all anymore, he hadn’t thought he’d be comfortable with someone else knowing and understanding how he felt about it, but Julian was someone he trusted and who knew him. Hearing him say he had no way of knowing he knew Julian was right even though he still blamed himself even knowing that, ”I know…but I still should never have wished them away…I know that’s not why they’re gone but...thinking about it sometimes it feels that way.” he said

Holding tight to Julian Lou just let it all out, let himself count on someone else to actually be his life-raft rather than just someone he held onto while trying to stay afloat. He wouldn’t expect Julian to hold him up all of the time, he was aware how to support himself, but sometimes like when he woke up from this type of nightmare it was nice to know Julian was there for him. He knew if Julian ever needed him for anything he’d be there right back, he would do absolutely anything for the man he loved. Staying close to him right now was a comfort and one he was selfishly clinging to because he couldn’t make himself move away right now no matter what. Telling Julian about his mom and dad, the good things as well as his guilt he couldn’t help but smile a little bit thinking about how things would be if they were still there. If they could be around to meet Julian, the baby they were adopting, to see him become a man not just a child pretending to be one. They would be proud, he would make them proud and they would love the man he loved as a son and spoil their grandchild. They wouldn’t get to do that though and it hurt to know that, to know he couldn’t just call them when he had something new and exciting to tell them.

Hearing Julian he knew he was right, that his parents had known when he was alive and now if they were somewhere they could see they would know he loved them and that he didn’t mean it. But that didn’t make his past actions right, didn’t make his lying to them or wishing them away right, no child should do that. But knowing they had known he loved them helped. ”I don’t know…how you do it every time Julian…but you always say the perfect thing and always make me feel better no matter what.” he said softly and kissed Julian’s cheek because he could. Things weren’t just going to magically get better from this, he still had to deal with the guilt but it felt like the right step toward maybe getting better? He’d take that over no steps and running in place like he’d been doing until now.

Listening to Julian he reached up to wipe his face free of the last of the tears finally calm enough to stop crying and be thinking clearly again rather than just in a guilt haze. Hugging Julian a little tighter he nodded and sighed softly, ”Think if maybe I tell you about the good times that would help? Because then you’d know too…it would be like you get to know them even if you can’t actually meet them?” he suggested softly thinking it would be a good way to remember the good things instead of just the pain of losing them and knowing he couldn’t just go back to the house and see them. He didn’t want to shove the relationship he’d had with his parents in Julian’s face though, wouldn’t be that boyfriend if he could avoid it. He smiled at Julian’s words and the kiss to his cheek looking at him. ”I will never figure out how I got lucky enough to have you in my life…but I’m never letting you go okay?”

one :: two :: three :: four :: MEL/JULIAN :: DONE

[julian]

Julian could understand, to some extent, exactly why Lou felt the way he did, but it was difficult as hell trying to make him understand that he shouldn't have felt that way. The human mind was pretty damned strange in that sense though. It was strange in one hell of a lot of ways at the heart of it all. Julian wished that it were possible for him to flick a switch in Lou's mind and somehow make him see that, despite the past, everything would be okay. It would all work out okay. It had to work out okay. Julian loved this man. There was no doubt in his mind about that at all. He would do whatever he could to help him through this... to help him deal with the death of his parents. He'd do whatever it took to help him make it through, finally. "I know, Baby." He murmured. "I just hope that one day you'll learn to see things a little differently." He said quietly.

Julian wished he had the power to bring his parents back so that they would be able to experience all of the things that Lou wanted to experience with them. Honestly, Julian couldn't understand sharing the connection and bond that Lou had shared with his parents on the same level because he had never had that kind of a bond with his own parents, but he could imagine, on another level, what it would have been like to lose Savvie... Hell... it was a prospect that he still might very well have to face one day at the heart of it all. It was something that scared him and something that he kept on brushing to the back of his mind in hopes that the problem would go away and that he would never have to let go of her... but it was something that he'd have to live with one day if it came to it. He couldn't stop it from happening.

He swallowed as he held Lou for a moment and sighed. "I'm afraid of things too, Lou. I'm not as strong as I might always want to appear. Savvie... she's my best friend besides you. She's the one who's always been there for me and always been supportive of me, even when I came out to my family but..." Tears filled his eyes. "She's sick... and I'm scared that one night I'm going to get a call where she's concerned and someone's going to tell me that she's not going to make it. I'm scared that one of these close calls she has with her health is going to wind up solidifying the fact that I'm not going to have her in my life anymore." He admitted. "I'd be a hypocrite not to tell you this." He murmured.

He had to laugh a little when Lou said that he said the perfect thing, every time, to make him feel better. "Well, i hope I can hold on to that God given talent, Baby. Because all I want to do is make you feel good. I never want to bring the negative in." He told him. And it was the truth. It'd be a long time before Lou would be able to think of his parents and just smile without the guilt of it all. The grief would always be there, but sometimes keeping it in place wasn't always a bad thing. But this was definitely a step in the right direction.

'I think I'd like that." He admitted with a smile at Lou. Honestly, he wished he could have known the people that had brought his boyfriend into the world and raised him to be the man that he was now. He loved that man and he knew that he would have loved his parents as well. He smiled a little bit when Lou said he would never figure out how he'd gotten lucky enough to have him in his life. "You won the lottery. Congratulations." He said with a small smirk. "But I'm not letting go either. So don't go there. Ever."